Mirror Images

"I am not with him anymore." I was surprised when she told me that. I was thinking that things were okay between the two of them. I thought it was a joke what she wrote on one of the many microblogs that she posts about her life that she was not with him anymore.
I was on an emotional high for days seeing news of my friends getting married, becoming fathers and mothers without me even noticing it. I had thought that I was being left behind.

But it turns out not everyone who gets into matrimony stays in bliss.

"He left. He just left." I didn't see that one coming. I always thought he was too much of a coward to try to live on his own. But I guess he was more a jackass than a coward. I suddenly remember my godchild and how she would grow up without a father.

I know how important fathers are. I put my father above all others after all. I was a certified daddy's girl. So I always believed that girls tend to marry their fathers. But my friend's father was not the kind who leaves in the dead of the night and just renders his life and family's life asunder. So I didn't see that one coming.

She had put up with a lot because of her need to be a family. I can't even begin to imagine just how numbing the experience could be for her. "I don't feel bad because he left. I feel bad that I chose to be with him because I wanted my daughter to have a complete family."

That was her goal. That was the reason why she wore a ring on her left ring finger. I don't know if she is still wearing it. I didn't want to ask stupid questions this early.

I always thought we were mirror images. At one point in our lives we loved the same man. But he is far removed from our daily lives that we don't even mention him to each other. He wasn't the one she loved and lost. He was the one she left for the one she lost. I should've hated her for leaving him and for making me lose precious time with him just because we were so similar. I think he never fully recovered from that rejection. But he has other things to do in his life, goals to finish and a life to live. I still love him but only as my soulmate and not anything like what she believed in the past.

I don't believe in a lot of things religious but I always believed in karmic retribution. I believe that in my past lives I had done so many bad things in those lives that is why I lose so much chances to be truly happy in this lifetime. I was told once that most of those whom I would meet are lives that I have torn and destroyed in the past. It is likely that I would meet those who I have killed or molested. This lifetime was supposed to my penance. I was made into a creature that was able to give them happiness and was made to suffer grave ills for all the sins of my past.

I am afraid that maybe she is having a karmic retribution within a lifetime. Or maybe just the consequences of past mistakes coming back to kick us all in the butt.

"You are lucky that you're single." We were joking around because of all the propositions that I seem to be getting of late. I didn't know how to tell her that being single seemed so free that it was actually choking me.

They say that it's easy to have a task to do than to have nothing to do. It's the task of making a list of mundane tasks that makes it more difficult. What if you ran out of things to do, staring at the ceiling when you can't sleep isn't as invigorating as having to work on human relationships.

"You definitely need a boyfriend." I imagined her trying to smile when she said this. She might be a lot of things but humor is never lost to her. I am sure she finds it amusing that someone like me who doesn't seem to have her act together is in a position that she might covet.

Honestly, I would rather have what she has now. I don't have to answer questions about my life or my future, I wished I was a mother to a beautiful little kid. It would be taboo to ask me about relationships and then I would have peace.

What I don't want, however, is the feeling that I made the wrong choice. That I couldn't bear.

"It's good to cry. But I know you can make it." I told her. I am sure she is telling that to herself too. And one day, she'll believe it.

I looked at the image of who we were when we first met. I had thought her captivating and talented. Now she seems a bit broken. But as much as I know that she can be right where I am now, at the edge of peace and future bliss, she will have more opportunities to be happier than she is now.

Sometimes freedom is something we least expect or want. But it's given nonetheless.

Love for Cowards

You are scared shitless of taking that step, opening your mouth and saying I love you to that one person who can break your heart into infinite number of pieces. So much that you can't put it back together without missing a large chunk of it. But then at the thought of walking away, of being free of that love you suffocate in the vastness of the emptiness that you feel. Right at that moment, between doubt and enlightenment, you can say, this is it for me. If I walk away from you, I'm dead. If I walk towards you, I'll be afraid forever. It's not true what they say that cowards don't have the right to fall in love. Because everyone of us is scared to loose something so precious, to not be able to be good enough for that person that we love. But then when we turn to them, face them head-on with a loop-side smile and our hearts in our throats, they won't say a word but smile a sweet shy acknowledgement that we are making the right choice in choosing to live a life full of fear. A fear that love is something you can't put into words and can't show well enough in actions. So you try and you try everyday to make that person laugh, cry, and adore you. Because you have a love that can't just move mountains but can make destiny happen.